The other day I had to take a bus to DSHS to bring in some paperwork. When I went to pay, the dreaded "insufficient funds" came up on the bus pass reader. I asked for a ride and explained that I had reloaded my pass and I wasn't sure why it wasn't coming up as reloaded. I asked for a ride. The bus driver looked at me a long time, then said "You can do what you want," I started toward the seat. Then he added, "But it's against policy." I stood in the aisle uncertain what to do. I felt ashamed. Then I just sat down.
I made that decision because it had been hard for me to leave the house in the first place. I thought if I went back, I'd probably just spend the rest of the day in my room. So I went on to DSHS. I was a little tearful, but once at DSHS I was able to be calm. I watched some toddlers run around together. I did some deep breathing. The caseworker I worked with had a bunch of DC superheros pinned up on his wall -- we talked DC vs. Marvel. I told him what had happened on the bus, and -- here's the minor miracle -- he told me that it was the first day that they were able to offer limited bus passes to people. He arranged for me to get a bus pass for $10. It's a one-time deal for people receiving food stamps. I was grateful it worked out that way, because it meant I could bus home. At the bus stop I got tearful again, which was not a bad thing, because I scared all the heroin clients and their dealer out of that bus shelter and over to the other one. I felt shame, and anger about feeling shame. I felt tired of being poor. For a few minutes I felt like a victim, rather than someone who had choices. I wanted SO MUCH to walk into Bartell's and get a candy bar. And here's the Big Realization: I've never gone into DSHS without wanting to buy something on the way home. It's the act of purchasing something that makes me feel powerful. I affirm that yes, I'm a good capitalist -- I'm putting something into the economy. I assert that I'm a person, not a disability, not a case. Thinking about that made me stop crying and remember that I am making choices, and I do that every day. And I don't have to buy something to feel powerful. --- I'm going to make a spending plan for September and stick to it. The only thing I know for sure that I wan't to buy is a one-month subscription to Headspace. It's a meditation app. I've done the free meditations consistently for 32 days now, and I'd like to sample the other meditations. But here's the thing: I think that before I buy anything, I'm going to give myself two weeks' notice that I'm going to buy it.
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ArchivesAuthorVirginia Lore enjoys living life as an experiment and frequently steps out of her comfort zone -- when she's not hiding out in her room with the covers over her head that is. You may email her: [email protected] |